im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
