I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
