What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
