By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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