i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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