Sponge bath it is.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
