It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
worst night to have a conscience
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
did you just send me my own nude
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
