I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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