Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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