She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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