I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
