How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
