He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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