you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Acid is not a monday night drug
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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