Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
