Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
