i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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