if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
