ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
