I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
