Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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