I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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