Umm I'm too high to move.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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