We're facebook friends in real life
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
