Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
