I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Randomize
