If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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