btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
