i think i have herpe
just one?
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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