Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. �Hello 29...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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