hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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