A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
