when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Randomize
