I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
