Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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