Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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