Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
