Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
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