then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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