I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
