One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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