omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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