my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
