My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
