just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Randomize
