I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
