Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
