im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
only if we run a train.
done.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
