my mouth tastes like poor choices
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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