I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
